Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Field Greens and Reds

Yesterday I overheard a woman at the table next to me yapping about this and that to her friend. The yapping woman and her friend were both eating cheese-less paninis filled with tiny chicken chunks and a field green salad on the side. From my perspective the field green salad had very little dressing, if any at all. The friend had a Diet Coke* with no ice. The yapping woman, an ice tea with extra ice. That should tell you everything you need to know about these two. Yep, I hated them. And I hated the words plopping out of their mouths even more:

"I mean, it's that time of year again."
"Yes, I know. I can't believe it."
"Here we go again. It just never ends."
"It literally seems like yesterday."
"I know, and here it is!"
"I know. It's awful."
"Well, I am just going to get an early jump on it so I don't have to think about it anymore."
"That's a good idea, just get it all out of the way."

This conversation, as you may or may not have guessed, was about Christmas. About Christmas time and its imminent arrival. As I said, this conversation took place yesterday, November 9th--a fact I took note of in my brain. I also took note that the barely-there dressing on their side salads was indeed no more than vinegar with a squeeze of lemon. And I took note of that being gross.

As their mindless tongues pounded around in their mindless mouths, I thought about how much people love complaining about Christmas coming early. And yet, they themselves are the ones that MAKE it come early. Just because there are Christmas trees in Home Depot on October 1st, doesn't mean you have to buy one Ladies! I see adjustable wrenches there all year long but that doesn't mean I say "AW man, why is it ALWAYS adjustable wrench season??!!! It literally seems like it's everyday!! Oh darn, guess I have to buy one right now and get it over with!"

Why do you think, Ladies, that Santa is sitting in his plywood house in the middle of the mall on Thanksgiving with his tummy grumbling--antsy to get home to Mrs Claus' famous Thanksgiving green bean casserole? BECAUSE OF YOU LADIES!! Because you are there looking for early stocking stuffers in the accessory clearance bin at the back of Forever XXI!!!!! And hammering the Westfield customer service desk with accusations of fraudulent wrongdoings regarding gift card expiration dates--but still buying 19 of them in $10 increments. YOU are the ones who get a November mani/pedi with affixed Christmas tree-shaped decorative gems. And I am pretty sure you are the ones who last week, bought that new Christmas album featuring songs by Mariah Carey's head and someone else's skinny body (at least that's what I got from the cover).

Well, you know what...enjoy your dry salad you whiny, materialistic, Thanksgiving skip-overers. Cuz guess what time of year it is in my calendar? The season for blogging about people who bug. ALREADY??!! I can't believe it! Here we go again! I might as well get an early jump on it, just to get it out of the way.

*An Interesting Fact -- My dad says drinking a Diet Coke is the same as drinking a glass of water. And that is simply not true. Because a Diet Coke is an aluminum can filled with chemicals and sodium with a splash of water, and a glass of water is a glass filled with water.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Head and Butter

I used to spend hours wondering what had become of people I knew. But lately, Facebook has freed up about 99 percent of those hours for me. Now when I think: "What ever happened to that one girl? You know, the one who wore the purple dress to Homecoming? Oh, what was her name? Sharon something. Sharon...Sharon...oh hell, I'll just look up her best friend Molly Gumdrop on the old FB, go to her friend box, search 'Sharon' and there it is. Sharon Lollilump! I wonder what happened to her? I'm gonna friend that ugly brat and spy on her pictures." Boom. The whole process from thought to stalk only took 2 minutes--depending on how fast she accepts my friendship. (Which, if she really existed, would probably take quite some time. She always was a lazy procrastinator. Why do you think she ended up with that purple dress? It was the last one left in Charlotte Russe that's why!)

So now, with the 99 percent more hours left in my day to think about other things, I've started wondering what has become of people I didn't know. People who I happened upon at one time or another, but I have no idea of their names. I really want to know what's going on with them!

I've decided to take full advantage of this blog forum--since it is reaching out to all corners of the world (maybe universe) and I most likely have over 1M followers already--to contact these mystery folks.

Like the man who choked on a taco shell at the table next to me in 1982 at Ernie's Mexican Restaurant in the Valley. Are you out there sir? Remember? You were choking and the waiter gave you the Heimlich and then you yelled at him and blamed the taco?! Remember, you said it was too crunchy? And then you demanded another plate of tacos??!! And then you got it and ate it all and then complained when the bill came because you wanted it to be free?? Remember, I was the little girl that was staring at you the whole time thinking "boy oh boy, I hope I never have to be a waiter!" And then when I did grow up to be a waiter, every time I encountered a bad customer I thought, "if they choke I am not saving them!" REMEMBER?!!!!!!

Or the red-haired boy at a McDonald's Play Area in Diamond Bar circa 1985, are you there?! You were really loud and kept pushing all the kids down and then stuck your head through the bars of the tall turnstile and it got stuck?! You remember, right?! Yeah, remember you started screaming really loudly so your mom tried to feed you nuggets while you were still stuck to calm you down??  And then remember your dad and the manager of McDonald's started pulling you with all their might? You remember, they had to bring out a big tub of Mcbutter and put it all over your head to slicken your skull? Remember you started screaming that it burned and then for most my life 'til very recently I was under the impression that butter--when in direct contact with bare skin--burns like acid?!!! REMEMBER?!!!!!!

Or YOU, the guy in front of me at Oktoberfest that opted for Nachos instead of Brat, or YOU the guy who sold me dishwasher detergent filled capsules at a rave and called them ecstasy, remember?!! Or the homeless guy in downtown LA who had a bone sticking out of his leg with a happy face drawn on the end of it, or the guy that signed me up for my first Contiki Visa credit card with an introductory interest rate of 28%?!!!! REMEMBER???? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS!!

Totally friend me! I want to see what's up :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The People vs. Croissants

The lady at my Donut Shop asked me if I was getting fatter. Well the answer to that question is decidedly "yes" since (A) - I go to a Donut Shop enough for the lady to know my stature and its daily changes. And (B) - There is no "B". "A" said it all. I of course just shrugged and smiled shyly, not really knowing how to answer a question like that.

Ten minutes later into my drive, after using no less than four of her dumb Donut-Shop-napkins to dry my tears, I thought of a good comeback. "Bitch!" I said out loud. The person next to me (predictably) noticed my outburst, and I (predictably) pretended to be talking on my bluetooth*

I am not getting fat! I don't even like donuts. I only go for the coffee. Wait a minute! WHOLE MILK!!! That's it. She has been putting whole milk in my coffee this entire time! The sneaky sneak face! And she has the nerve to ask me questions about alleged excess fat in such a "concerned-outsider" fashion. As if she had nothing to do with it being there. UGH!!!!

Well, tomorrow, I'll show her. I'll end her maniacal plan to fatten me up for her people stew! HA lady, watch this...I'm gonna shell out the extra ten extra cents for a vanilla-flavored fake creamer vial!

Vanilla creamer will go much better with my croissant anyway.

*Not sure how people explained away their craziness before there were blueteeth. I suppose they were all just deemed schizophrenic, put away, released again by Reagan, laid low till the mobile phone was invented, got themselves a bluetooth, a Lexus, a job as a Search Engine Optimizer, and lived HEA ("happily ever after" for you non-tweeters).

Thursday, October 14, 2010

That's not a chair, that's a step stool. Wait. It's both!

When you put something in front of my face and ask me to read it, that something better catch my attention. Immediately. Because I have self-diagnosed ADD. And my glasses are the wrong prescription. And when I wear them my guts tickle. Oh yeah, and boring words make me fall asleep.

In return, you should expect the same attention-grabbing quality from the somethings I place in your faces and tell you to read.

Which is why I sit here now, typing out a list. I titled the list, Sentences That WILL NOT Be the First Sentence of My Blog:

1.  When I was little...
2.  If I had a time machine... 
3.  Today, while I was standing in line at (blank)...
4.  The greatest invention of all time was...
5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is...
6.  This morning, on NPR, I heard...

Okay I have to stop here.

I think I actually need to use these sentences.

I won't ever get a good night's sleep again if I don't. Look at all those indefinite ellipses..!

They are like Poe's beating heart under the floorboards or Roger Rabbit's need to finish that "Shave and a Haircut" wall-knock that the Judge does with his cane. The more I try to forget about ever using them, the more they will haunt me. The more I think about them remaining on this page unfinished, the more I want to bust through the wall leaving only splinters of wood and a rabbit-shaped hole. 

I'm gonna finish them now. (You can stop reading here if you have a fancy blog-reading palate.)

1.  When I was little I wished for a macaroni and cheese maze in my backyard. With four stipulations: It never depletes (if bitten, it would immediately self-replenish new mac-n-cheese into the bite mark). It never rots. It never gets cold. And it would never be seen by anyone but me.

2.  If I had a time machine I would go back and tell little me to "add one more stipulation to that maze! It never makes you fat."

3.  Today, while I was standing in line at the Party Supply store, I saw a poster for a slutty Alice in Wonderland costume with a sexy Mad Hatter standing behind her looking at her longingly. "Huh," I thought, "I always assumed the Mad Hatter was gay."

4.  The greatest invention of all time was the Franklin Chair.

5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is the same price as Mac n Cheese!

6. This morning on NPR, I heard about a study of people who write blogs. The conclusion being: these bloggers exhibit a need for attention and suffer from lower levels of self confidence, financial freedom and career ambition than people not interested in writing one. They are overwhelmingly motivated  by self-satisfaction and a need for relevance.