Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The People vs. Croissants

The lady at my Donut Shop asked me if I was getting fatter. Well the answer to that question is decidedly "yes" since (A) - I go to a Donut Shop enough for the lady to know my stature and its daily changes. And (B) - There is no "B". "A" said it all. I of course just shrugged and smiled shyly, not really knowing how to answer a question like that.

Ten minutes later into my drive, after using no less than four of her dumb Donut-Shop-napkins to dry my tears, I thought of a good comeback. "Bitch!" I said out loud. The person next to me (predictably) noticed my outburst, and I (predictably) pretended to be talking on my bluetooth*

I am not getting fat! I don't even like donuts. I only go for the coffee. Wait a minute! WHOLE MILK!!! That's it. She has been putting whole milk in my coffee this entire time! The sneaky sneak face! And she has the nerve to ask me questions about alleged excess fat in such a "concerned-outsider" fashion. As if she had nothing to do with it being there. UGH!!!!

Well, tomorrow, I'll show her. I'll end her maniacal plan to fatten me up for her people stew! HA lady, watch this...I'm gonna shell out the extra ten extra cents for a vanilla-flavored fake creamer vial!

Vanilla creamer will go much better with my croissant anyway.

*Not sure how people explained away their craziness before there were blueteeth. I suppose they were all just deemed schizophrenic, put away, released again by Reagan, laid low till the mobile phone was invented, got themselves a bluetooth, a Lexus, a job as a Search Engine Optimizer, and lived HEA ("happily ever after" for you non-tweeters).

Thursday, October 14, 2010

That's not a chair, that's a step stool. Wait. It's both!

When you put something in front of my face and ask me to read it, that something better catch my attention. Immediately. Because I have self-diagnosed ADD. And my glasses are the wrong prescription. And when I wear them my guts tickle. Oh yeah, and boring words make me fall asleep.

In return, you should expect the same attention-grabbing quality from the somethings I place in your faces and tell you to read.

Which is why I sit here now, typing out a list. I titled the list, Sentences That WILL NOT Be the First Sentence of My Blog:

1.  When I was little...
2.  If I had a time machine... 
3.  Today, while I was standing in line at (blank)...
4.  The greatest invention of all time was...
5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is...
6.  This morning, on NPR, I heard...

Okay I have to stop here.

I think I actually need to use these sentences.

I won't ever get a good night's sleep again if I don't. Look at all those indefinite ellipses..!

They are like Poe's beating heart under the floorboards or Roger Rabbit's need to finish that "Shave and a Haircut" wall-knock that the Judge does with his cane. The more I try to forget about ever using them, the more they will haunt me. The more I think about them remaining on this page unfinished, the more I want to bust through the wall leaving only splinters of wood and a rabbit-shaped hole. 

I'm gonna finish them now. (You can stop reading here if you have a fancy blog-reading palate.)

1.  When I was little I wished for a macaroni and cheese maze in my backyard. With four stipulations: It never depletes (if bitten, it would immediately self-replenish new mac-n-cheese into the bite mark). It never rots. It never gets cold. And it would never be seen by anyone but me.

2.  If I had a time machine I would go back and tell little me to "add one more stipulation to that maze! It never makes you fat."

3.  Today, while I was standing in line at the Party Supply store, I saw a poster for a slutty Alice in Wonderland costume with a sexy Mad Hatter standing behind her looking at her longingly. "Huh," I thought, "I always assumed the Mad Hatter was gay."

4.  The greatest invention of all time was the Franklin Chair.

5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is the same price as Mac n Cheese!

6. This morning on NPR, I heard about a study of people who write blogs. The conclusion being: these bloggers exhibit a need for attention and suffer from lower levels of self confidence, financial freedom and career ambition than people not interested in writing one. They are overwhelmingly motivated  by self-satisfaction and a need for relevance.