Thursday, October 14, 2010

That's not a chair, that's a step stool. Wait. It's both!

When you put something in front of my face and ask me to read it, that something better catch my attention. Immediately. Because I have self-diagnosed ADD. And my glasses are the wrong prescription. And when I wear them my guts tickle. Oh yeah, and boring words make me fall asleep.

In return, you should expect the same attention-grabbing quality from the somethings I place in your faces and tell you to read.

Which is why I sit here now, typing out a list. I titled the list, Sentences That WILL NOT Be the First Sentence of My Blog:

1.  When I was little...
2.  If I had a time machine... 
3.  Today, while I was standing in line at (blank)...
4.  The greatest invention of all time was...
5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is...
6.  This morning, on NPR, I heard...

Okay I have to stop here.

I think I actually need to use these sentences.

I won't ever get a good night's sleep again if I don't. Look at all those indefinite ellipses..!

They are like Poe's beating heart under the floorboards or Roger Rabbit's need to finish that "Shave and a Haircut" wall-knock that the Judge does with his cane. The more I try to forget about ever using them, the more they will haunt me. The more I think about them remaining on this page unfinished, the more I want to bust through the wall leaving only splinters of wood and a rabbit-shaped hole. 

I'm gonna finish them now. (You can stop reading here if you have a fancy blog-reading palate.)

1.  When I was little I wished for a macaroni and cheese maze in my backyard. With four stipulations: It never depletes (if bitten, it would immediately self-replenish new mac-n-cheese into the bite mark). It never rots. It never gets cold. And it would never be seen by anyone but me.

2.  If I had a time machine I would go back and tell little me to "add one more stipulation to that maze! It never makes you fat."

3.  Today, while I was standing in line at the Party Supply store, I saw a poster for a slutty Alice in Wonderland costume with a sexy Mad Hatter standing behind her looking at her longingly. "Huh," I thought, "I always assumed the Mad Hatter was gay."

4.  The greatest invention of all time was the Franklin Chair.

5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is the same price as Mac n Cheese!

6. This morning on NPR, I heard about a study of people who write blogs. The conclusion being: these bloggers exhibit a need for attention and suffer from lower levels of self confidence, financial freedom and career ambition than people not interested in writing one. They are overwhelmingly motivated  by self-satisfaction and a need for relevance. 

1 comment:

  1. Sentences That Will NOT Be the First Sentence of the First Comment of Your Blog...

    1) What an interesting idea! I have read it very much. Have you tried this? It worked for me! Try it!
    2) You make some good points, but you've left out someone important - Jesus.
    3) kels u haev a blog now omg funny!!!@!
    4) First!