Oscar the Grouch

Here come the Academy Awards!! This weekend. Counting-down the hours, are you? Printing out your homemade ballots on your dot matrix printers and sharpening a wicker basket full of golf pencils? Stirring the punch and frosting the mini cupcakes?? Popping the antidepressants and doing the shots of Popov? Slitting your wrists and burning a pile of your old head shots? Screaming out the window, "I was the best I tell you, THE BEST!! And look at me now!! LOOK AT ME!!! I smell like a mediocre biweekly direct deposit and I feel like a sack of potatoes with a wig on"??

Well join the club. That's what ALL of us do on Oscar week. Cuz when it comes to shoving the fame, success and beauty of unattainable goals into our smushy faces, no one does it better than the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (Sciences?! I just now decided that is weird).

My resentment/jealousy for these awards has long been a part of my inner workings. For instance, my Barbies** used to get dressed up to attend the awards every year. Because, astonishingly, at least one of them was always nominated! Actress roommates--who, between the two of them, never missed a nomination for 6 years straight?!  An unprecedented achievement to say the least. The only catch was (and here is where my resentment showed its ugly head) they never made it to the awards. One would always have sex with lie naked next to the limo driver minutes before they were supposed to leave! And the other would be jealous because she liked the limo driver too! And they would rip each others' Valentinos to shreds! And go to bed in a huff! But this was somehow a much more satisfactory end to the evening for me than if they had actually gone.

My clear issue was this: I didn't want to see my Barbies win instead of me. Even now, some version of that thought still lingers with me. Each year I (deep-down) think, "If someone is going to win that fancy award, why can't it be me?" And this absurd sentiment, I know for a fact, is shared across the board by my fellow longing-to-be-an-actor-of-the-A-list-type friends.

Ridiculous? Absolutely! Because...
A) I am not in a movie this year. Nor have I been in one prior to this year. And...
B) I am a regular person. Chubby, blemished, and just like the 1 billion other watchers who are sitting at home on their couch anonymously. All of us yelling at the TV. Calling perfect people "ugly", one-of-a-kind couture, "unflattering"  and decent, well-deserved nominations, "bullshit!".

[Hmmm. It seems that the mere topic of these awards is souring my disposition greatly. I just re-read this post and got the chills at how unrecognizably bitter and annoyingly actor-y I sound. But it's too late to turn back. So if you have made it this far in your reading, congratulations! You are almost through.]

Perhaps this year, instead of watching, I should rip my own Valentino and send myself to bed in a huff. Because when I DON'T watch--I feel like a perfectly happy, lucky, successful person with an interesting life. But when I DO, I feel like I am actually just watching life carve a notch on its bedpost-- indicating it has once again laid naked next to f#%ked me.


**Have I mentioned my Barbies before? I believe I have. I blame those b#%ches for a lot of my issues.

Flight of the Navigator

So I have been gone a few months from the earth blog city. And some things have happened. Don't worry, I won't recap them here***. I will spare you a long list of boring nonsense that is my everyday life. To tell you the truth, surprisingly few notable happenings happened. Nothing I've felt compelled to tell you about. But I realized this morning in the shower (where all my realizing is done) that I am BORED. And the only cure for the boredom is typing out my thoughts into a blank text-box and sending it out for people to read or not read.

That's enough prologue. Here's something I have thought about of late...

Almost three times a week I drive by a sign on Western Avenue near my San Pedro home (also near the San Pedro home of the late Charles Bukowski, but now I'm just bragging). The sign is a white poster board that has the phrase, "Computer Classes" written crooked across the board in black sharpie. The first time I saw it, I laughed out loud at the irony--because oh man-- I love me some good irony. I immediately decided that when I drove by it the next time, I would snap a pic. I thought this would make one heck of a facebook post! Can you imagine?!! That funny sign, with a clever caption underneath?!! Something like: "I guess 'making a sign on a computer' is not one of the topics covered in this class". Or...or...hmm...that is the only one I can think of right now. But anyway, it would have gotten "likes" well into the double digits, that's for sure.

The next time I drove by, I readied my camera to get the sign. However, the signal turned green before I could take the picture. Bummer. But I got another good laugh at it. Still funny.

The next time, I was in the passenger seat. So I couldn't miss. But NO! It was the wrong time of day and the sun was glaring right on it! The only thing my camera caught was a flash of sunlight. Dumb.

The next time my camera was out of batteries. And the next time there was a huge truck blocking my view. And then finally, I just stopped finding it that amusing anymore. It wasn't that great of a sign after all. It was only just the slightest bit ironic. Eh. I decided it wasn't worth a post or a picture. And I let the idea drop.

But then, two days ago, I drove by and the sign was gone. The thought immediately crossed my mind that I had missed my chance to take that computer class a picture of something that would never be replicated again. Something I had discovered and could have shown to the world for the purpose of making it the butt of a joke. And I just let it slip through my fingers. Eh.

But as I kept driving (ok, not ALL of my realizing is done in the shower. Some is done in the car.) I started to feel a little sick to my stomach. A lot of time had gone by. LOTS of time since I saw that sign for the first time. Enough time for someone to set up a class; advertise; have people drive by and notice and then ask their girlfriend "hey, should I take that?" and their girlfriend says, "sure"; so they enroll; the class begins; the class continues with quizzes and homework; the students study for the final; they pass or don't; certificates and handshakes all around; then the lights turn out for the last time as the teacher whispers to an empty classroom, "We did it again, computers. Until next time my little machines. Until next time."

All that time had gone by and I was still the same. Still driving on Western, coming from and going to the same places. Eating the same spaghetti/taco/spinach & chicken/frozen pizza dinner rotation I did every week. Looking at the same websites everyday at work. Waking up at the same time, brushing my teeth with the same toothpaste, blah blah blah blah. At any rate these thoughts started to make me sad. Really sad. And I didn't like it one bit.

So today's post, my little machines, has a bit of a moral or lesson or something stupid like that. And here it is: I am not going to sit lamely by and watch the world change and computer classes happen while I stay the same lazy person who doesn't even have the gumption to take a picture of things and make fun of them while I still can! So that is what this blog is for.

And that is why the blog is back. The end.

*** I will recap them HERE:

1. Pregnant? 
2. Yep, Pregnant!
3. Realized going to Vegas on Halloween while pregnant is actually my hell.
4. I thought about getting a Christmas tree. Then thought about how troublesome it was to get the ornaments down, only to have to put them away 3 weeks later. Decided not to get a tree after all.
5. I thought about setting up my Nativity Scene. But then I started watching an episode of the Wire and completely forgot about it.
6. Black mold scare at the office.
7. Changed my name at the Social Security office. Found out that Chubby Checker is the celebrity spokesman for the Social Security Admin.
8. Ate lots of bean and cheese burritos.
9. Got mad about some Republican shenanigans 
10. Black mold scare at the office was a false alarm
11. Stared at Facebook
12. Watched "The Kids Are Alright" and then shrugged and said, "eh"
13. Got told by the doc that I have gained too much weight
14. Ate a bean burrito and cried
15. "Strange Dust" scare at the office
16. Watched the Superbowl with indifference
17. Got flowers on Valentines day from my husband and bragged about it on Facebook
18. Procrastinated reading book for my book club so I could finish watching the final season of The Wire 
19. Decided it was time to write my blog again

Field Greens and Reds

Yesterday I overheard a woman at the table next to me yapping about this and that to her friend. The yapping woman and her friend were both eating cheese-less paninis filled with tiny chicken chunks and a field green salad on the side. From my perspective the field green salad had very little dressing, if any at all. The friend had a Diet Coke* with no ice. The yapping woman, an ice tea with extra ice. That should tell you everything you need to know about these two. Yep, I hated them. And I hated the words plopping out of their mouths even more:

"I mean, it's that time of year again."
"Yes, I know. I can't believe it."
"Here we go again. It just never ends."
"It literally seems like yesterday."
"I know, and here it is!"
"Already!"
"I know. It's awful."
"Well, I am just going to get an early jump on it so I don't have to think about it anymore."
"That's a good idea, just get it all out of the way."

This conversation, as you may or may not have guessed, was about Christmas. About Christmas time and its imminent arrival. As I said, this conversation took place yesterday, November 9th--a fact I took note of in my brain. I also took note that the barely-there dressing on their side salads was indeed no more than vinegar with a squeeze of lemon. And I took note of that being gross.

As their mindless tongues pounded around in their mindless mouths, I thought about how much people love complaining about Christmas coming early. And yet, they themselves are the ones that MAKE it come early. Just because there are Christmas trees in Home Depot on October 1st, doesn't mean you have to buy one Ladies! I see adjustable wrenches there all year long but that doesn't mean I say "AW man, why is it ALWAYS adjustable wrench season??!!! It literally seems like it's everyday!! Oh darn, guess I have to buy one right now and get it over with!"

Why do you think, Ladies, that Santa is sitting in his plywood house in the middle of the mall on Thanksgiving with his tummy grumbling--antsy to get home to Mrs Claus' famous Thanksgiving green bean casserole? BECAUSE OF YOU LADIES!! Because you are there looking for early stocking stuffers in the accessory clearance bin at the back of Forever XXI!!!!! And hammering the Westfield customer service desk with accusations of fraudulent wrongdoings regarding gift card expiration dates--but still buying 19 of them in $10 increments. YOU are the ones who get a November mani/pedi with affixed Christmas tree-shaped decorative gems. And I am pretty sure you are the ones who last week, bought that new Christmas album featuring songs by Mariah Carey's head and someone else's skinny body (at least that's what I got from the cover).

Well, you know what...enjoy your dry salad you whiny, materialistic, Thanksgiving skip-overers. Cuz guess what time of year it is in my calendar? The season for blogging about people who bug. ALREADY??!! I can't believe it! Here we go again! I might as well get an early jump on it, just to get it out of the way.


*An Interesting Fact -- My dad says drinking a Diet Coke is the same as drinking a glass of water. And that is simply not true. Because a Diet Coke is an aluminum can filled with chemicals and sodium with a splash of water, and a glass of water is a glass filled with water.

Head and Butter

I used to spend hours wondering what had become of people I knew. But lately, Facebook has freed up about 99 percent of those hours for me. Now when I think: "What ever happened to that one girl? You know, the one who wore the purple dress to Homecoming? Oh, what was her name? Sharon something. Sharon...Sharon...oh hell, I'll just look up her best friend Molly Gumdrop on the old FB, go to her friend box, search 'Sharon' and there it is. Sharon Lollilump! I wonder what happened to her? I'm gonna friend that ugly brat and spy on her pictures." Boom. The whole process from thought to stalk only took 2 minutes--depending on how fast she accepts my friendship. (Which, if she really existed, would probably take quite some time. She always was a lazy procrastinator. Why do you think she ended up with that purple dress? It was the last one left in Charlotte Russe that's why!)

So now, with the 99 percent more hours left in my day to think about other things, I've started wondering what has become of people I didn't know. People who I happened upon at one time or another, but I have no idea of their names. I really want to know what's going on with them!

I've decided to take full advantage of this blog forum--since it is reaching out to all corners of the world (maybe universe) and I most likely have over 1M followers already--to contact these mystery folks.

Like the man who choked on a taco shell at the table next to me in 1982 at Ernie's Mexican Restaurant in the Valley. Are you out there sir? Remember? You were choking and the waiter gave you the Heimlich and then you yelled at him and blamed the taco?! Remember, you said it was too crunchy? And then you demanded another plate of tacos??!! And then you got it and ate it all and then complained when the bill came because you wanted it to be free?? Remember, I was the little girl that was staring at you the whole time thinking "boy oh boy, I hope I never have to be a waiter!" And then when I did grow up to be a waiter, every time I encountered a bad customer I thought, "if they choke I am not saving them!" REMEMBER?!!!!!!

Or the red-haired boy at a McDonald's Play Area in Diamond Bar circa 1985, are you there?! You were really loud and kept pushing all the kids down and then stuck your head through the bars of the tall turnstile and it got stuck?! You remember, right?! Yeah, remember you started screaming really loudly so your mom tried to feed you nuggets while you were still stuck to calm you down??  And then remember your dad and the manager of McDonald's started pulling you with all their might? You remember, they had to bring out a big tub of Mcbutter and put it all over your head to slicken your skull? Remember you started screaming that it burned and then for most my life 'til very recently I was under the impression that butter--when in direct contact with bare skin--burns like acid?!!! REMEMBER?!!!!!!

Or YOU, the guy in front of me at Oktoberfest that opted for Nachos instead of Brat, or YOU the guy who sold me dishwasher detergent filled capsules at a rave and called them ecstasy, remember?!! Or the homeless guy in downtown LA who had a bone sticking out of his leg with a happy face drawn on the end of it, or the guy that signed me up for my first Contiki Visa credit card with an introductory interest rate of 28%?!!!! REMEMBER???? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS!!

Totally friend me! I want to see what's up :)

The People vs. Croissants

The lady at my Donut Shop asked me if I was getting fatter. Well the answer to that question is decidedly "yes" since (A) - I go to a Donut Shop enough for the lady to know my stature and its daily changes. And (B) - There is no "B". "A" said it all. I of course just shrugged and smiled shyly, not really knowing how to answer a question like that.

Ten minutes later into my drive, after using no less than four of her dumb Donut-Shop-napkins to dry my tears, I thought of a good comeback. "Bitch!" I said out loud. The person next to me (predictably) noticed my outburst, and I (predictably) pretended to be talking on my bluetooth*. 

I am not getting fat! I don't even like donuts. I only go for the coffee. Wait a minute! WHOLE MILK!!! That's it. She has been putting whole milk in my coffee this entire time! The sneaky sneak face! And she has the nerve to ask me questions about alleged excess fat in such a "concerned-outsider" fashion. As if she had nothing to do with it being there. UGH!!!!

Well, tomorrow, I'll show her. I'll end her maniacal plan to fatten me up for her people stew! HA lady, watch this...I'm gonna shell out the extra ten extra cents for a vanilla-flavored fake creamer vial!

Vanilla creamer will go much better with my croissant anyway.


*Not sure how people explained away their craziness before there were blueteeth. I suppose they were all just deemed schizophrenic, put away, released again by Reagan, laid low till the mobile phone was invented, got themselves a bluetooth, a Lexus, a job as a Search Engine Optimizer, and lived HEA ("happily ever after" for you non-tweeters).

That's not a chair, that's a step stool. Wait. It's both!

When you put something in front of my face and ask me to read it, that something better catch my attention. Immediately. Because I have self-diagnosed ADD. And my glasses are the wrong prescription. And when I wear them my guts tickle. Oh yeah, and boring words make me fall asleep.

In return, you should expect the same attention-grabbing quality from the somethings I place in your faces and tell you to read.

Which is why I sit here now, typing out a list. I titled the list, Sentences That WILL NOT Be the First Sentence of My Blog:

1.  When I was little...

2.  If I had a time machine... 

3.  Today, while I was standing in line at (blank)...

4.  The greatest invention of all time was...

5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is...

6.  This morning, on NPR, I heard...

Okay I have to stop here.

I think I actually need to use these sentences.

I won't ever get a good night's sleep again if I don't. Look at all those indefinite ellipses..!

They are like Poe's beating heart under the floorboards or Roger Rabbit's need to finish that "Shave and a Haircut" wall-knock that the Judge does with his cane. The more I try to forget about ever using them, the more they will haunt me. The more I think about them remaining on this page unfinished, the more I want to bust through the wall leaving only splinters of wood and a rabbit-shaped hole. 

I'm gonna finish them now. (You can stop reading here if you have a fancy blog-reading palate.)

1.  When I was little I wished for a macaroni and cheese maze in my backyard. With four stipulations: It never depletes (if bitten, it would immediately self-replenish new mac-n-cheese into the bite mark). It never rots. It never gets cold. And it would never be seen by anyone but me.

2.  If I had a time machine I would go back and tell little me to "add one more stipulation to that maze! It never makes you fat."

3.  Today, while I was standing in line at the Party Supply store, I saw a poster for a slutty Alice in Wonderland costume with a sexy Mad Hatter standing behind her looking at her longingly. "Huh," I thought, "I always assumed the Mad Hatter was gay."

4.  The greatest invention of all time was the Franklin Chair.

5.  Trader Joe's is CHEAP! For example, Pirates Booty is the same price as Mac n Cheese!

6. This morning on NPR, I heard about a study of people who write blogs. The conclusion being: these bloggers exhibit a need for attention and suffer from lower levels of self confidence, financial freedom and career ambition than people not interested in writing one. They are overwhelmingly motivated  by self-satisfaction and a need for relevance.